Slipping back into old behaviours

Anyone who has tried any sort of self-improvement will understand this. There is the initial burst of energy that you pump into your life. There is a certain buzz about you, you're trying new things and seeing the results. You realise what you've been doing wrong all your life and suddenly all these references supporting these new ideas start to appear all around you. You feel that from now on you don't even need to try any more.

You'll have a great day, everything will be going just fine for you. For some reason or another you let your guard down and something somebody says gets to you. You feel it emotionally affecting you but you think 'oh well I'll just forget that.' It stays in the back of your mind though, gnawing away at you. The next day you wake and notice your old behaviours seeping back in. You say something or snap at somebody. You get frustrated at yourself and ask, 'wait, why did I do that? This was all going so well. Why is this happening?'

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The old victim mentality pattern creeps up and soon you start feeling worthless. Why me? Why can't I do this? What's wrong with me!? Your attention span starts to fail you. Battling an emotional storm inside it seems impossible to make sense of what's going on. Completely divided you are restless and desperate. You go back to the once empowering material. You understand it but your impatience prevents it from making any difference to your state. All that seemed easy before begins to become more and more daunting. Weakness takes a hold and you are lost completely.

Hang in there I say to you. When implementing a new set of behaviours it is extremely common for there to be fluctuations between the old you and the new you. It may not seem like it at the time but this state that I have outlined here is actually NECESSARY for you to implement lasting change. Whether it be conscious or not YOU WILL realise that your old behaviours are more painful for you than your new ones. Existing as an outmoded version of yourself for any length of time will cause frustration and stress. This is good. Your brain does not like frustration and stress. Your brain would rather exist in a more fluent and empowering frame of reality. Like how I mentioned before in a previous post (read it here, Your failure is actually necessary), leverage will be gained over time as a kind of momentum building device.

I'm not going to lie to you, right now you're undoing a whole lifetimes worth of social conditioning. There is a lot of stuff going on here and it will be a bumpy ride. Stick at it though as one day you'll look back and smile.

The MOVE ON mentality

I'm not going to lie to you guys. Not going to lie to you right now on this here blog. No lying. Right now, none of that no no.

To be really successful with women you're going to have to understand that being brought down by negative emotions will only work AGAINST YOU. There's absolutely NO POINT in dwelling on something that has happened, which made you feel bad. If you feel yourself losing state because of it then chances are you were too caught up in the outcome. Remember, you're just a guy, out having fun, what's the problem with that?

There's this guy, 'Natural Tim', he's great. He talks about INTENT. He talks about riding that initial wave of energy where you look at the girl and go 'ohhh man she's hot. I must have her.' A lot of guys will go in all high energy as some sort of 'entertaining man' and then end up with absolutely no sexual tension. Your initial drive when you honestly think about your motives for approaching a beautiful woman is SEX. Oh yes, it doesn't have to be right there in your mind constantly, but you have to be honest with yourself and know what's going on. Women are tired of men who present themselves as one thing hiding their motives all along. Fuck it, be real here. She will respond far better by setting this tone.

Learn more about not being lame

There are other things you need to be honest with yourself right now about TOO. There are going to be plenty of challenges ahead for you. A lot of the time you're going to get some nasty feedback. For a normal 'chode' (AFC) this will beat them immediately. 'Oh man she said I suck, that must mean I suck... :-(' LAME LAME LAME. This is so lame please get it out of my head. This is an honest fact though. Women at points ARE GOING TO BE BITCHES TO YOU. You've just got to go 'OK, right, anyway as I was saying.' A lot of the time her bitchiness is also just a congruence test. A congruence test is where the woman is testing your frame of reality to see if your emotional state is impacted by her behaviour. If you show that you are affected by her then this will KILL ALL ATTRACTION. If you are communicating (or sub-communicating to the nerds) that you are LOWER VALUE than she is then she's going to label you as WEAK and LAME. So lame.

The lesson for today. Be strong in yourself. Know thyself. Be a rock.

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It's OK to be friendly with women

A lot of guys will tell you to act in a certain way around women, which to me will often look like just being arrogant and rude. I have to tell you guys, it's a really fine line but what you really want to be communicating, and this is an incredibly important concept, is GENUINE AUTHENTICITY. You see, you can be playful with the girl but in reality any quick technique you might learn when approaching women will be just that, a technique.

A very common mistake that guys will make when starting out is that they'll act in a very false way. Everything they do will be rehearsed and they'll be reacting to the woman in quite a needy and desperate way. On the outside they may appear to be handling it but in reality the pedestal which they've put the woman onto will mean he's always seeking a positive response in order to feel validated.

Remember I spoke before about what a real man is? A real man is what women want. A real man does not require external stimuli in order to feel manly. He is not defined by the superficial values that society dictates. He requires no validation from anyone as he is completely centred in himself. He has such a strong identity that anyone can call him any insult you can imagine and he will remain completely emotionally unaffected.

When women are assessing a man they are testing the congruence of his reality. If his reality is based on the validation of external forces then it's going to be incredibly vulnerable to collapse. Remember, this relates to the SCARCITY mindset I mentioned in a previous post (read it here, Remove limiting thinking). If you are living in a reality of ABUNDANCE then you are going to come across as infinitely more attractive. Women draw their happiness / state from the environment. You are a part of that environment. If you can be a source of pleasure and strength who is fun but also has boundaries and social understanding then you can be the attractive man who has his pick of the ladies.

When I say, it's OK to be friendly with women, I mean that it's completely OK to be a nice guy. It's completely OK to come up and just say 'hi'. If you can communicate genuine authenticity and character with an unwavering sense of self and a deeply rooted core confidence then you are going to be an attractive man. That's all there is to it.

Your failure is actually neccessary

It can start from one of the smallest decisions you can think of. A simple one for me was that I decided to stop eating refined sugar. I decided that I would only get my sugar from natural sources like fruit. It's very interesting what happened to me. As an ex-smoker I had already been through the turmoil of kicking the habit. I've heard people saying, 'yeah man you know giving up smoking is harder than giving up heroin.'

Now my aunty, she was on 40 a day, hardcore. Massive respect to her for beating that habit. I remember though when she was 'giving up' that a large part of it as quoted by her 'is down to your perception of the habit.' I mean that's what it is largely down to isn't it? If you see the cigarette as your source of comfort then it's going to be very difficult getting rid of that. I remember also she said you should never call it 'giving up' you should instead call it 'stopping'. 'Giving up' implies that it did something for you. The key factor though was realising that in reality the excessive abuse of any chemical is going to have a negative impact on your lifestyle. With nicotine it is a lot harder for people to have it only occasionally as in its nature it's very addictive. Your body wants more and more.

Anyway, the point of this example was that I noticed SO MANY similarities between me 'stopping' refined sugar in my diet and 'stopping' nicotine too. When I was in the process of ending my relationship with nicotine it didn't happen straight away. Nicotine and I were in love and then I started to cut down. I stopped for a bit but then nicotine found her way back into my life. It took at least 4 attempts over the space of at least 6 months until we both finally decided to break up. We both decided it would be for the best. The thing is, this was remarkably similar to how I stopped consuming refined sugar. I tried a few times, I failed, I became frustrated at myself for failing and being so dependent but in the end because of this 'leverage', this strong desire, which was actually created by my failure, I managed to take full control of the situation.
Now I have no desire for cigarettes or refined sugar because I know what I went through to get where I am now. The idea of going back to my old behaviour is so painful that I don't even consider it as a possibility.

So I guess what I'm saying to you now is that it's completely necessary for you to let yourself down. If you don't taste failure then you'll never truly know what it is to succeed and really appreciate that for what it is. Thing is, once you start doing these kind of things whether it be something like this or even just living more outside of your own head, then please just understand that it will get easier with time and experience. You will learn how your brain works and eventually you'll just start to get it. Really, it's very liberating stuff.

If you feel good then you look good

This won't work the same the other way around. You can look like James Bond and still feel absolutely terrible about yourself. Feeling good inside on a deep level is what makes the REAL difference. Looking good on the outside may give you a little boost but really it's not the thing you should be focusing on. I find that if I start paying too much attention to my physical appearance then suddenly I'll start attributing way too much value to it. In reality, how you look on the outside has little to no value whatsoever. This piece of information has become so irrefutable to me now that I'm not even going to bother giving evidence to you. All you need to do is go out and LOOK AROUND.

When a woman is assessing a man she is going to be looking for things that will help the survival and replication of the species. The things that are most attractive are resourcefulness, decisiveness, fearlessness, dominance and CHARACTER. Women will look for the man who stands out. She will look for the spark in the room. We are all programmed to do this, it is beneficial to our survival and replication. Notice yourself in the future when you check out the girl who has 'something about her'; usually because she has her hair in a different way or something like that.

HIGH CHARACTER is of fundamental importance in this game. You don't need money. In fact, if you have lots of money then this will work against you as women are more likely to see you as a PROVIDER and not a LOVER. Be honest with yourself. If you're just starting out then it's likely that women have already always looked at you in the provider category. You'll buy them drinks, food and look after their every whim. It's not that nice is it? Feels a little bit like you're being used as a rug to walk over the muddy path. If you're a lover then you can be a sexual partner FIRST and then if you so choose she will look to you as possible provider ALSO because you have everything that is needed to do what it takes. You will have the characteristics which will enable the race to first, REPRODUCE (the fun bit. with a condom people) and then secondly if you so choose, PROVIDE FOR THE CHILDREN. Obviously I'm not saying here you should just go around sleeping with women, getting them pregnant and then abandoning the kids. As a child once myself I definitely appreciated what was provided for me. I wouldn't be here without it.

If you become focused on how 'attractive' you are. And I mean when I say this the stuff that is completely out of your control like your face and general form. If you're fat then this might work a little against you because you will have to overcome your own limiting beliefs and the collective beliefs of society about what 'fat people' are like, BUT, I will always go back to the fact that if you have your frame of reality sorted to a point where you are THE MAN, then really it does not matter what you look like in the slightest. By the way, if I have offended anyone then I'm sorry, I'm just saying it like it is. We are much like computers. If your operating system is sharper than the next guy and you can handle all situations better than the average drone then your sperm is going to be up there in the 'most desired' category.

The thing is, I like to work out at the gym because I like the way it makes me feel. I can concentrate better throughout the day and I feel more physically confident. I'm not going to apologize for this fact, it's just the way I am. I'm not saying anyone should keep in shape or completely not give a shit but all I will say is DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU. If you put your poor success with women down to the fact that 'you're ugly' then you're wrong! You are so wrong it hurts my groin.

All this physical stuff, it's irrelevant, it's a distraction. The real substance is INTERNAL.

Remember these things

These are the sort things that you want to be writing down and sticking on your wall.

• Be self-disciplined. If you can't discipline yourself then you're going to make slow progress. It's going to be more difficult for you long-term. Live by your own rules and be progressing always. Face your fears. Overcome your insecurities.
  
• Don't take it personally. If she doesn't return your call (or anything of this nature) then write it off as a dead-end and move on. You have no idea what's going on in her life right now so don't convince yourself that it has anything to do with you. If you know it's because you came off as needy then you need to work on that. Remember, the more needy you appear, the weaker your frame of reality. Weak frames of reality are certainly not attractive.
  
• Make decisions often. If your life slows down too much you will get depressed. Life attracts life. The more decisions you make the more alive you'll be. Decisions involving you saying 'no' can be just as empowering as they demonstrate to yourself that you have the ability to be self-disciplined. 'No, I'm not going to have a cookie / cigarette / go to bed at 2 in the morning again.'
  
• Look introspectively. Keep a diary. Keep track of your ego. Ask yourself every morning, 'am I currently happy with my life and what can I do to change it?'
  
• Flirt often with women. Be playful. You may want to try calling them a brat, dork or even a dude. Any other light sounding jibe will do. I've recently been trying out 'mate'. It can be quite amusing and will set the tone effectively.
  
• Delay gratification. A mature man will not live his life in a state of constant and instant gratification. Instead he will have long-term goals, holding patience as one of his highest virtues.

Have you got game?

• Don't let external forces define your happiness. Be self-assured and don't care if something doesn't go your way. If you see yourself acting this way then rewind back in your memory to when you were a child, look at yourself behaving in a similar way and ask yourself, 'what will women think of me if they knew I hadn't developed emotionally since the age of 5?'
  
• Expect the unexpected. Like the last point. Don't throw a hissy fit if something happens outside of your control. Get used to things not going to plan and improvise.
• When you feel anxiety you know that you have a chance in that moment to grow and build on your confidence. Things might seem like a big deal now but in the future they will be commonplace.
• If you act like a victim people will turn away from you. Be a pillar of strength and enjoyment. Keep inner turmoil to yourself when in public with women. You need to be keeping that completely invisible to all women. Sure you can chat with a friend, but emotional maturity means being able to deal with these things on your own.
• Keep a side of yourself off-limits to all women. If you present yourself completely to her then you're showing that she's the most important thing in your life. This will lower your value. You will look weak and she will not want you as a sexual partner.
• Be brave, show courage and do what you think is right.
• Repeat what works. Repeat the knowledge that empowers you. Assert truths to reinforce your frame of reality.
• Remember the ABUNDANCE mentality. There are more women out there than you could meet in a lifetime. Don't get stuck in a rut of narrow-minded thinking and broaden up your horizons.

Trouble with anxiety?

• Always be living in alignment with your own values. If you don't respect yourself then women won't respect you. Earn your own respect, don't lie to yourself and never make excuses. If your excuse is, 'i'm too scared' then think, 'If I'm scared then this is an opportunity for me to demonstrate courage to myself and build upon my self-confidence.'
• If you don't believe in it then it's probably not going to happen. Logically write down all the reasons why something should feel comfortable and is completely normal. Refute anything that opposes you know is good and right for your development as a strong and mature alpha male.
• It's never a big deal. STOP CRITICIZING YOURSELF. See things for what they are and don't beat yourself up. Stuff that you think is a big deal now will appear incredibly insignificant when you look back in a few years time. If you love yourself then this will all be so much easier for you.
• Women aren't goddesses. They're just people like you and me.

I will post more lists like this in the future. There's so much stuff to guide you on your journey and I will need to spread it out a little.

Use what works for you

Liking something that you think is true isn't the first part of the process. Liking what you think is true is the result of it becoming a piece of the puzzle that fits in your picture of reality.
Some questions for you,

1. Who defines truth?
2. How do you define truth?

For me, I find that most of the "truths" that I work with have already been defined for me. I usually get this information from books, films, friends, the internet and people who I have come to admire. Let me discuss the last thing I wrote on the list for a minute.
When I see the commonalities between me and another person, I notice the same philosophies, the same likes / dislikes and the same attitudes, generally I will find myself agreeing with most of what they say. I can't explain this properly on any scientific level but I can draw some crude conclusions.

a. People who you like have a greater influence over yours beliefs.
b. Generally, you like these people because you have things in common.
c. If they make references to people who you already like or ideas that you have already established in your own reality, then this will act to reinforce your belief in them and their ideas even further.

And to number 2. How do you define truth? Should you define truth based entirely on the fact that a lot of people are saying the same things and you also happen to quite like these people? I know you will anyway, but I might suggest that it would also be good to test these ideas out first-hand. If it's something dealing in a real life situations with real human / social interactions, then you must always make your conclusion based on first-hand experience. Sure, use the ideas of the people you have come to like but don't take it all as gospel. You need to be as open to change as possible. You need to be malleable like a ball of putty. You need to be willing to test your beliefs. Anyone who does this has my respect and should feel good about themselves having such a progressive attitude.

Don't feel the need to believe in something just because you believed in everything else they said. You want to optimise your the way you function as much as possible. Most things aren't as clear cut, black and white, good and evil as they were painted when we were children. You can take something useful from pretty much anything you encounter. It's all about the way you look at it and it's all about how open you are to picking out things that are going to help you.
So in conclusion, USE WHAT WORKS. USE WHAT'S USEFUL. Don't worry about the rest.

P.S. If you suffer from anxiety problems, try this out.